THINGS TO SAY OR DO, AT THE TIME OF MOURNING

~Write a condolence note
~My thoughts and prayers are with you
~I am sorry to hear about the death of... I know how important they were to you
~I regret that I live so far away from you, especially at this sad time
~I wish I could talk with you, and give you a hug to comfort you
~Even though I can not be with you at this time, my thoughts are with you
~Words seem inadequate to express what I want to say to you
~I am sorry you have to go through this
~I am available to talk with you, whenever you feel you are ready to talk

THINGS TO AVOID SAYING OR DOING AT THE TIME OF MOURNING

~I know how you feel
~It's part of God's plan
~Your young, and you can marry again
~Look at what you have to be thankful for
~They are in a better place
~Now you can put this behind you, and move on
~Call me if you need anything
~Doing all the talking
~Statements that begin with "You should..."
~Making decisions for them
~Discouraging all emotions or expressions of grief
~Promoting your own values and beliefs
~Encouraging them to be dependent on you
~Dominating their time
~I am sorry for your loss

Dealing with unresolved, childhood grief...

I went to the bookstore this weekend, and was drawn to the book " The Mourning Handbook" by Helen Fitzgerald. I have never related to a book this much. While reading, I felt as though she was talking about my life. Here is part of that book..."Unresolved childhood grief is the state in which an adult, having suffered the death of a loved one while a child, remains trapped somehow in the mind-set of that child because of failure to resolve his or her grief." I have felt this way for over 30 years, and appreciate this book, because it validates my thoughts and feelings.

Power of Money:

We all know that money is a source of power but what we may not know is that we all have the potential to be rich. Our false beliefs are what hind us from fulfilling this potential, and the false ideas we have about money is what prevents us from collecting it.

Personal Power

What do you think makes people rise after being knocked down? What distinguishes those who rise from others who fall on account of the same blow? It’s the ability to control your emotions when others fail to do so and it’s the ability to change the surrounding conditions when others give up and fall helplessly. Fortunately, this sort of power can be acquired through both, self-understanding and personal development.

Timetables

Honor your own timetable for sorting out your spouse’s personal things, for changing the message on the answering machine, and taking care of the other pending tasks. The added tragedy of loss is that many of us are also left to cope with the mechanics of a business and must contend with all of this at a time when we feel unable to cope with anything. Look to family, professionals, and trusted friends – don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Excersize

God/Mother Nature/The Universe blessed us with endorphins. Our body’s own feel-good high; it’s natural and it’s free. Allow this brain chemical to neutralize stress hormones to help you feel better. All your endorphins need is a little stimulation (experience tells me that it takes only a half hour of brisk walking to kick into gear.) Exercise need not be brutal, just regular.
Gloria Letterman

Slow Down

Slow down. Meditate, nap, sit in the garden, smell the roses; the exact opposite of keeping yourself busy, busy, busy. Sure, busy might keep you from having time to think, but you also won’t heal.
Gloria Letterman

Be Open

Be open with your adult children about your grief and the process you’re going through. Just please remind them that it’s not their job to take care of your grief or to make your grief disappear. First of all, no one can make your grief disappear; it is a process you will work
through. They can support your effort; they just can’t do it for you. By example, you will encourage them to process their own grief in an honest, open way, allowing all of you to remain emotionally open to each other.
Gloria Letterman

Honor Yourself

Honor yourself and your need to put yourself first … for now. This is hard if your spouse passed away from a prolonged illness and you were, as I was, his caregiver. I’m just beginning to realize how, over the challenging care-giving years, I’d lost the ability to be spontaneous—too many doctors, dialysis, pills, procedures to be aware of, not to mention my husband’s inability to be left alone for more than an hour at a time, and even then, I was never far. Doctor appointments, medical treatments, medications, the to-do’s were many, so much so that taking care of my own needs quickly fell to the bottom of the list. Our lives revolved around my husband’s illness. Now is your time to re-learn the art of spontaneity, to have adventures and fun.
Gloria Letterman

Is it ok to be angry at God.

Sure it is. It's okay to be angry, it's ok to shake your fist and scream at him "why" !! We don't often Know why God does the things he does. I can only compare it to a parent who has to take a child through rough times but has an end goal in mind. Thanks for the questions.

What to say

I have asked my Mother why we didn't talk about these things growing up. She stated they did not want to upset me, I would not have understood, I was to young, It was unpleasant. This is in no way wrong or emotinally abusive. It was just not emotianally helpful to them or me.